A Mess Of Tears
by Logan'sLaura23
Summary: It's so easy to hide. But you can also be found. Triggering.
1. Chapter 1

One Shot- Logan Fanfic.

The Mess of Tears...

I run to the bathroom, a mess of tears, food and blood. I could not hate myself more than I do right now. I'm a screw up. Hopeless. Loser. Freak. The pain never stops. I'm fat, and ugly with no talent. This world has never needed me and never will. I force my fingers to the back of my throat. I hate being sick, but it will make me thin like everyone wants. Society is killing me, but I'm so invisible no one notices. I try to be their idea of perfect, but it's never good enough. I can't fight this war on my own anymore. I'm leaving the cowards way out. That's what I do, I try but when I fail once, I give up. I don't even know why I bother trying. I should leave this planet. It's not like you would miss me. I told you my problems and you had the nerve to call me attention seeking. Some best friend you are. I told you things I had never told anyone else, I trusted you with my life. I just hope you can live with the guilt of what's to come.

I clean myself up quickly, and make my way to the door. Perfect, no one's in. For once things seem to be going right for once. I spend my time wondering which method would be best, obviously a gun would kill quickly but we don't have one. I could easily hang myself from up near the swirly slide, but it would ruin it for Carlos. Carlos, will he be okay without me? The bundle of hyper-activity, why would he need boring, lame Logan? The guys will all be fine. Kendall's the leader, he always held us, no, its now THEM together. James the confident pretty boy. He'll be fine. I hope. They won't miss me, well only when they have homework.

It's all their fault. The so called fans, I get sent horrible messages on Scuttlebutter, I told the one person I thought I could trust and got it thrown in my face. They were right. You all were right, I'm nothing but a pathetic loser trying to keep up with his friends. This is why in what, less than an hour? I'll be dead. PILLS. Ah, yes, an overdose of pills will kill me, I'll probably pass out and choke to death on my own vomit but at least I'll be dead. Aspirin is not strong enough, I need a mixture. Aspirin, and what else? Think Logan, you wanted to be a doctor. Hey, maybe I should just stab myself with a kitchen knife, Mama Knight did buy some pretty good ones. But it'll hurt, I don't like pain, only when I cut myself. It's amazing how much long sleeves can hide.

So that's it then, I'll use a knife, stab myself and slit all the big important veins, the ones on my arm the ones on my legs and my neck, just to be certain I'll bleed to death. I should probably go to the bathroom, that way they can wash away the blood, hey maybe I'll take too many aspirin just for good measure. That's it then, I made a plan, I suck at plans, I always panic under pressure, but not this time. I need to die.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: I forgot to mention that this is set in Season 2, after Jo leaves. It makes more sense that way, kinda.

* * *

(Carlos' P.O.V)

I can't believe I forgot helmet. I never forget helmet. This stunt is gonna be awesome. I open the door to 2J and remember than Logan is still up here.

"Hey Logan, do you wanna see me do a really cool stunt?"

Silence.

"Logan?"

I edge towards his and Kendall's room, knowing that he's probably reading and so absorbed in his book that he didn't hear me. The door creeks open to reveal the empty bedroom.

Huh, I think. Where is he? He might have gone to see Camille, but she was down at the pool. He might have gone down the stairs, whilst I was in the elevator.

I run towards the window, to see if by any chance the apartment has moved so that we are now above the pool. It hasn't.

I hear a whimper. It sounds like Logan. I think it came from the bathroom.

"Hey, buddy?" I ask, as I slowly edge the door open. I hit something on the floor. It must be Logan. I glance in and see blood everywhere. What happened?

"Logan? Answer me Logan" I panic. Not knowing how to help him. What do I do?

I reach into my pocket, glad that I didn't remove my phone before I did the stunt, and ring Mama Knight. I text the guys as quickly as I can and ring 911. What else do I do in this kind of situation?

Logan would know, but he's dying. This is my entire fault. Wait, Logan said something about putting pressure onto severe bleeding once, didn't he? Where's the first aid kit?

I glance over his lifeless body. There's so many bright red cuts, and silvery scars. How could I not notice that my best friend was feeling this way? I'm a horrible friend, I have to save him. I have to.

I run to his room, knowing that the wannabe doctor would have the first aid kit. I search through as quickly as I can and worry when I cannot find it anywhere. Would he have hidden it? Does he want to die? So many questions race through my mind. Where are the others? I search the bathroom just in case the first aid kit is in there, with no luck; I take of my hoodie and use it to cover the unstoppable bleeding from his wrists. I put pressure on it, hoping that is what he said once, but what about his legs and his neck?

I take of my t-shirt and tie it carefully around his neck, making sure that I don't strangle him. I pull of my pants and use the scissors that are lying on the floor to cut off the legs. I tie each one around his thighs.

My next move just kind of happened. I kissed him on the forehead, worrying that he wouldn't make it. I sing to him, 'Worldwide' whilst fighting back tears. Once I reach the chorus I can't hold back, my eyes begin to leak, I cry for my best friend, and that I might not have saved him, I cry for not noticing sooner that it wasn't alright. I cry and cry and cry.

* * *

*2 hours later*

Where's Logan?

At some point the ambulance crew must have came in, as for some reason I'm now in a hospital bed. I turn and see James beside me, knowing what I'm thinking he says "Logan's in a coma, you're in here for shock, you passed out".

It answers a few of my questions but will Logan survive? I have to know. I ask him.

"We don't know Carlos" His voice breaks, like he's about to cry. "He would already be dead if you hadn't have entered the apartment."

"I wanted him to see my stunt. I panicked when I saw him laying there. It was horrible James. I thought he was dead. "I tell him, crying once again. "Where's Kendall?" I ask.

"He ran off. I don't know where. He didn't tell me. When I got your text, he went really pale and ran off. I think he blames himself. We all blame ourselves. How could we not notice Carlos? We must be horrible friends to him. The doctors said he had overdosed on aspirin as well as the cutting. How did we not know?"

"I feel terrible James" I reply.

"Me too, me too"


	3. Chapter 3

One Week Later.

*Logan's POV*

Urgghh, I feel so clammy. I try to open my opens but its as though they're glued shut. What happened? Why can't I remember? I hear a voice; I recognise it but have no clue why.

"Hey Logan, I don't know if you can hear me, but I miss you. You could have told me you were feeling like this. I'm sorry if I was a bad friend and I'm sorry if you wanted to die, but I stopped you from doing that. I'm sorry that I wanted you alive because I wouldn't be able to cope without you. You're my best friend. I love you; things aren't the same with you in here. The doctor says the longer you stay in a coma, the less likely you are to ever wake up. I hope that doesn't happen."

Then the voice is gone, did I imagine it? Then I hear another recognisable voice.

"Hey buddy, it's me, James. I wish I could think of a way to wake you up, but I can't I've never been as smart as you. It doesn't seem right to see you lying there, covered in bandages, on a life support machine, it just isn't right. We all miss you. Kendall doesn't say but he does. I never see him visiting you; he's blaming himself too much. I'm sorry I kissed Camille. It must have made things worse for you buddy, I'm sorry I didn't realize how bad it was. If you were awake, you'd tell me to stop apologising and say that I've done nothing wrong. You're a good friend, Logan. Gustavo and Kelly said they'd see you, he's not so bad. I remember when you came out of your audition calling him 'Satan'. I miss those days. It's my entire fault, I should never have got you all to follow my dream, and I'm a selfish friend. I'm sorry Logan".

Once again its gone and I'm left even more confused than before. Why can't I remember anything? Why am I in a coma? Who's Gustavo? I hope I wake up soon; I might get some answers then.

* * *

2 Days later

I wake up to the sound of a different voice. Wait, 'wake up' isn't the right term; I hear a voice but don't wake up, what if I never wake up?

"I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I've been such a jerkface recently. I miss Jo so much and I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm sorry I didn't listen when you told me that you weren't happy and that you were scared that you'd kill yourself. I didn't think that you'd actually try. I thought you were attention seeking because everyone forgets about you. I'm such a bad friend. I really wish that I hadn't have run from you, I panicked when you showed me your scars and cuts, once again, I thought you were attention seeking. I should have let you have explained it to me. I shouldn't have judged. You thought you could trust me and I let you down. It's been tearing me apart this last week. I had to admit it to you, even if you can't hear me. I've been in a bad mood for too long. Please wake up Logan. I would never forgive myself if you died."

* * *

*James' POV*

He can't see me. Kendall doesn't know that I'm watching him from the doorway. I heard his confession. All of it. He's the reason. He's the reason that Logan tried to kill himself. It's his fault. My head hurts so much right now. How could he have said those things? I don't know how I can ever look him in the eyes again. This could break us up and there we were, me and Carlos, blaming ourselves when compared to Kendall, we practically did nothing wrong. Sure, I kissed his girlfriend and Carlos can be annoying, but Kendall drove him to suicide. Kendall is the bad guy here. It's horrible to think that. How could he have done it? How could he?


	4. Chapter 4

*Logan's POV*

I struggle but I do it. I opened my eyes. I'm awake. I take in my surroundings. God, this is weird. I'm at the hospital. I glance down at my body. I can't see much but I do see bandages. I don't bother to try to sit up. It's a battle to keep my eyes open. I've probably been heavily drugged.

"He's awake" I hear someone yell. Not knowing who it is.

"Get the doctor quick" Another voice yells. "Logan? Can you hear us?"

"Try blinking, James" I hear. "I saw it on TV, they got someone to blink twice for yes and blink three times for no."

"Logan, blink two times if you can hear us."

I struggle to do it but it happens. I guess I'll be fighting this for a while.

"Dogs, we have to release a press statement about what happened to Logan." Someone shouts.

"Gustavo, he's awake. Look" The first voice says, again.

"He understands us. Ask him a yes or no question and he'll blink". The second voice continues.

"What are you on about dogs?" Unmistakably the third voice.

"Ask him something." The first two shout back together.

"Is your name Logan?" He tries. "How was that dogs?"

I blink twice again, slowly but surely.

"See, that means yes. He understands. He's awake." The first voice again, I think. This is all very confusing. I just want to sleep again.

Who are these people who claim to know me? And why am I in hospital?

"Do you know who I am Logan?" The second voice shouts.

I start to cry, I don't know who he is, but he seems to know me, I'll feel bad if I tell him no, even though it's the truth.

I blink three times. No.

He stares back in both shock and upset, that's when I take in his appearance, he's tall with dark brown hair which is fairly long for a guy, he's eyes are so big though, like a window to his soul that says that I hurt him badly by not knowing who is. Why would I know who this teenager is, I'm only ten. He doesn't even sound like anyone I know. Where is Mommy?

* * *

I wake again with a sudden jump, I moved. I moved, am I getting better? I attempt to talk again.

I manage to croak out "Where am I?" but my voice doesn't sound like my own. It sounds too deep, like it's broken? But I'm too young for that.

"You're in the hospital sweetie." A middle-aged woman says, wait a second, I recognise her.

"Mama Knight?" I ask.

"Logan honey, James says you don't remember him." She replies.

"Where is he? And Kendall and Carlos?" I question.

"So you do remember them but do you not recognise them?"

"What do you mean?" I pout, extremely confused.

"Logan, they're standing around the bed." She says bluntly, as if not to hurt my feelings but it does anyway.

"No they're not." I say. "There's two strange teenagers around my bed not my three best friends."

"Honey, its Carlos and James." She says gently. "How old do you think you are?"

"I'm ten. My birthday was last month." I say proudly.

Then a doctor walks in, I know that because of his white coat, I want to be a doctor when I'm older.

"How's he doing in here?" He asks. "Is he talking?"

"He thinks he's ten. Why on earth? What happened to him?" The shorter of the teenagers ask.

"Memory loss can sometimes be a side effect of an overdose of over the counter drugs, such as the aspirin Mr Mitchell took." The doctor explains. What does he mean an overdose of aspirin?

"You look confused Logan." The other teenager says.

"I am. I'm really confused."


	5. Chapter 5

*Carlos' POV*

He starts crying. How can he think that he's ten? I just don't understand, wait maybe it was after he turned ten that things started going bad. Maybe he thinks that he is ten because that's the last time he was truly happy. Don't they say that when people try to kill themselves, that there is not just one reason, it's like a pile of reasons all adding of top of each other, one leading to another. The snowball effect, that's what they call it, right?

Maybe Logan's snowball started at the time he thinks it is now; maybe that's why his mind is acting like this, choosing to forget the many years that Logan was never really happy. Did I just do something scientific, or psychology or whatever? Does that mean I'm smart? But how can we help him get his memory back, what was the thing that started his snowball?

"Mama Knight, did anything important happen to Logan when he was ten?" I ask.

"I'm only now ten." Logan protests.

She thinks for a minute. "Carlos, let's talk about this outside."

"Okay" I reply, wondering if there is something.

We exit the room but leaving James in there, playing Go Fish with Logan.

"Carlos, do you not remember, Mr Mitchell, Logan's dad, died when Logan was ten. A month after his birthday. You were only nine, it upset all of you." Tears well up in her eyes but she blinks them back.

"I always forget that Logan's dad died." I try to get this straight in my head, Kendall's dad left and no one knows where he is, James' parent divorced but it was a friendly divorce, and Logan's dad died. I'm the only one with both parents still together. Families are strange. "How did he die?"

She pauses for a moment, swallowing. "Well, I guess it's time for the truth. To protect you all, we told you that he died in a car accident." She pauses again, letting me take in that information. "But he was murdered. He was shot in his car, the police, your dad, thought that it was an armed mugging. The worst thing is... is..." She starts crying. "Logan was in the car with him. No one could understand why they didn't shoot Logan. He never told anyone what happened, all I know is that your dad found Logan covered in his father's blood and hugging him."

I start crying, for the pain that my best friend had felt for all these years, a pain that he told no one about, something he had hidden and carried for so long. Something that started his snowball.

"Do you remember that Logan didn't talk for ages afterwards? He wouldn't talk to anyone not his mom, you guys, no one. They got him therapy but it didn't seem to help, he just shut himself away more. He began to focus on his studies, even though he was only ten, and said he wanted to be a doctor. Did he ever tell you why?"

I shake my head, but I guess. "Is it because he couldn't save his dad? So to not feel guilty he wants to save other's lives?"

"I don't know honey, but that what my guess is too." She smiles awkwardly, clearly thinking of my smart best friend. My best friend who thinks his dad is still alive. If we tell him, it could start the snowball again but it could help him to remember. I don't know what to do. I just don't know.


End file.
